It was a sunny summer day in the small Oregon town of Gravity Falls. The birds were chirping, the wind was rustling and the gnomes were puking rainbows. The town was home to many oddities ranging from Gremoblins. Unicorns and the like. These seem pretty unusual but for a select few this was very normal. Nothing normal ever happens around these parts, and it's going to get weirder from here.
“The tomb of Diamond Brandy has to be around somewhere.” a boy said as he, a girl and their pig wandered around the forest. These two were Dipper and Mabel Pines, a pair of twins shipped off to Gravity Falls for the summer by their parents. Dipper, clad in his trademark vest and pine tree hat, had his nose stuck in a worn-looking book with a six-fingered hand bearing the number 3 on it.
“My legs are getting tired, right Waddles?” Mabel replied speaking to her pet pig. Mabel was obviously the more exuberant of the two with her big brace-covered smile and colorful sweater, which had a skull-and-crossbones wearing a straw hat on it. Waddles could only oink in agreement. “C'mon Mabel,” Dipper said. “can't you be a bit serious about this? This guy was a powerful wizard who could stop time! I even have a big line for when we find it.” The two continued on their journey, unbeknownst to them someone was watching them from the flora behind them.
“Alright, we seem to be getting close. I can already feel the anticipation!” Dipper squealed to himself, feeling they're almost there. After rustling through some bushes, they found it. A large statue of a crucified man towering over them. At the base was emblazoned “Here lies Diego 'Diamond' Brandy.”
The two were astonished at the sight before them. “They thought some hotshot treasure hunter would find his grave,” Dipper began. “BUT IT WAS ME DIPPER!” he bellowed out for all to hear. “And Mabel!” his twin added.
“Think I should get a picture?” Mabel asked. The ecstatic boy was quick to comply as he posed in front of the statue. As Mabel took the picture, the same person from before watched them, positioning her fingers like a photographer before revving up her vehicle. “Here goes nothing.”
“Wait til Grunkle Ford hears about this.” Mabel said as she stuck the photo in her scrapbook. The two high-five only to hear something. “Do you smell gasoline and sheer insanity?” the girl asked as they looked around. Suddenly, a woman riding a Vespa scooter popped out of nowhere! “ALRIGHT,” she screamed as she sped towards the twins. “LUUUUUUNCH-TIIIIIIME!!!!!”
“Mabel watch out!” Dipper shouted as he pushed his sister out of the way, only to fall victim to being run over by her scooter. As he rocketed towards the nearest tree, Mabel could only watch as his brother was assaulted by the stranger.
“Oh my gosh, are you alright DP?!” Mabel asked worriedly. “Wait here, I'll go get someone.” As she raced off, the woman looked over Dipper. “Oh sweet Lord he's dead! I can't believe I killed a child!” she cried as the sweater girl turned around. “He's already dead, just like that, BANG!” the woman continued screaming. “Unless....” she whipped off her helmet, revealing her pink flare-cut hair and yellow eyes. “Come back to life you little runt!” And that's when she planted a big kiss on his lips.
Mabel and Waddles could watch in confusion, though this was sort of average given all that they've seen this summer. “Good, our Taro-kun is back!” the woman proclaimed as Dipper regained consciousness. “Wait, Taro-what now?” Mabel asked. The stranger turned to her with a mean look on her face. “Zip it twerp and let me do my stuff!” she then picked up her Rickenbacker. “ROUND TWO!” beating him with the guitar woke Dipper up to find that not only was his sister was still okay, but also a woman with pink hair & yellow eyes wearing a bright red coat, black pants and white boots & scarf standing before him, wielding the same Rickenbacker and a yellow Vespa scooter behind her.
“Who are you, what did you do to me?!” the panicked child asked. “Relax, now give it to me.” she replied as she grabbed him by the leg and started shaking him, which gave view to a large bruise where his namesake birthmark would be. “C'mon, where is it?” she wondered as she kept shaking the kid. “Well, guess I should hit him again.” she prepared to hit him only to be stopped by Mabel. “Hey, quit hurting my brother lady!” the little girl shouted. “What did you do to him anyway?” she asked. “CPR, what else?” the maiden replied. “Now gimme!”
Mabel was quick to defend her brother. “No, you're a big dumb meanie face that hurt my brother!” Just then, Dipper woke up again. “Oh geez, what happened?” he asked woozily. “This crazy lady ran you over and beat you up.” Mabel answered. “Let's get back to the Mystery Shack.” As the two walked away, the Vespa woman could only watch as the girl hissed at her. “Yeesh, that kid's got issues.” But what nobody noticed was that the statue was started to crack and let out an evil laugh.
“Hold it together Dips, I know you can!” Mabel said as the twins made their way to a shabby hovel with a big sign saying “MYSTERY _HACK” on it, with the S fallen off. This was the tourist trap of their great uncle Stan Pines. “AaAaAaAa,” Dipper wailed. “I'm the child of a time when the west was young!”
His twin could only groan as the two walked inside where they were greeted by their handyman friend Soos. “Heya dudes, what happened?” the fat repairman asked in his usual jolly voice. “Dipper and I were searching for some dead guy and then this crazy lady started beating him with a guitar!” Mabel then gestured at the bruise which has now grown into an odd-looking horn.
“Uh oh, that doesn't look good.” Soos said as he examined the horn. Just then Grunkle Stan walked in wearing his casual clothes and fez. “I heard Soos say something doesn't look good.” Stan said. “Who're we talkin' about here.”
The old conman took a gander at his great nephew as the boy regained some form of thinking. “Basically Mabel and I were searching for the tomb of Diamond Brandy and I was assaulted by some crazy lady, which is how I got this.” Dipper said pointing to his horn. Stan, trying to fix the problem the easy way, simply pushed it back into his forehead. It popped out. He pushed it in again, it popped out and so forth.
“Might as well live with it kid. Now come on, almost time for dinner.” Stan said as he walked into the back room of the shack. “And Soos, get him some bandages.”
“This day can't get any crazier.” Dipper, now with a bandage patch on his head, said as he and Mabel washed their hands for dinner. “Well, crazy by our standards anyway.” Mabel, being one to brighten someone's day, tried to cheer him up as they walked downstairs. “Chin up bro-bro, at least we know we'll never see that crazy girl ever again.” However, fate was there to prove her wrong when they found the woman sitting at the dinner table with Stan and his brother Ford, the author of Dipper's journal.
“AUGH, IT'S THE CRAZY GUITAR LADY!” Dipper cried out as his world literally turned black and white like a manga panel. “You can have our grunkles, just please don't hurt my brother!” Mabel added. “What's going on with you two?! Don't you have any respect for our houseguest?” Stan said, scolding the two. “Just sit down before your food gets cold.” Ford said. “By the way, what's going on here? I've been across the multiverse for thirty years but this takes the cake!”
The Vespa woman greeted the twins with an innocent hello which neither of the two bought. “By the way, she's going to be staying over for a while, so I gave her a part time job here. Her name's Hakama Kalahari or something like that.” Stan announced. “Haruko Haruhara, thank you very much.” the woman, now named Haruko corrected.
“Why are you so won over by her? She nearly killed me!” Dipper shouted. “I like her style. She's really cool at being a fool! Fooly Cooly!” Stan excitedly replied, to which Mabel said “You made that up on the spot, didn't you?” Stan was quick to answer her. “Yes I did sweetie. Basically she's going to be our maid!” He then turned to Haruko.
“So how do ya like Fooly Cooly?” Haruko could only let out a confused “huh,” “You know like those crazy anime Soos loves where grown men pant and sweat and fire giant lasers by screaming at the top of their lungs?” She became more puzzled. “Not Kool-Aid I mean like there are people who are fools and those who are cool. You get what I mean?”
Ford became confused as well. “Stanley, can you please start making sense? Even I don't know what Fooly Cooly means!” Dipper became more agitated while Mabel started to giggle. “Did you even listen Sixer? She's cool and we're all fools!” Stan started laughing like a maniac as he continued on. Mabel began to laugh as well. “So anyway Haruko, how did you meet our great nephew and niece?” Ford asked. “Oh I was just around the neighborhood, taking in the scenery, then I found these two fooling around-” Stan interrupted shouting “What'd I tell you, Fooly Cooly!” Haruko continued on. “Anyway, so I beat up the boy and brought him back to life with a little mouth to mouth.” She then grabbed Dipper's face and tried to kiss him like before, but this is where he snapped.
“THAT'S ENOUGH!” Dipper shouted, which ended the zany conversation and restored color to normal. “I'm going upstairs.” And he walked away. “Dipper, wait!” Mabel called, but he didn't want to listen. “Just let him go kid. Let him go.” Haruko said putting a hand on Mabel's shoulder. “It's a shame too, I made some fantastic potato salad.” Ford said. “Now what'll I do with this serving?”
After a moment of silence, Stan tore the plate out of Ford's hands and threw it within Waddles' line of sight. The pig could only gobble it up happily. Ford knew how to please a fat little pig tummy.
While Dipper took a shower to wash off the past stressful few hours, Haruko followed him upstairs and began to skim through his journal. “What kinda kid writes about Lovecraftian geometry and other spookums in his diary? Wouldn't it make more sense to write about how hot your girlfriend is or how your family doesn't understand you?”
Later, Dipper walked into the attic that he and Mabel called their bedroom for the summer to find Haruko stumbling on the floor, trying to hide the fact she read his journal and getting up to strum on her Rickenbacker. “Haven't you heard of asking before peeking through someone's stuff?” Haruko kept playing her guitar pretending not to listen to him. “What do you want with me and Mabel?” Haruko finally looked up at him. “I'm just a wandering housekeeper.” She said, but the boy knew she was lying. “C'mon, tell me the truth.” he said. “Alright fine, I'm an alien searching for something.” He became curious as always. “What would that be?” he asked. “I don't want to spoil anything for you or the readers, but it involves your bandage.”
Dipper couldn't help but feel creeped out. “Why?” Haruko kept on talking. “Because I need it. What's under it?” Dipper felt more spooked. “I'm not telling!” Haruko was more determined to find out. “Tell me!” The kid was adamant about his bandage. “No way!”
“What're you hiding under there?”
“Why don't you know? You hit me in the head!”
“I promise I won't tell anyone else.”
“Let's see it!”
As Haruko reached for Dipper's bandage, the boy fought back. “Why are you pestering me?!” After a moment of silence, Haruko looked up at him pouting. “Because I need you Taro-kun.” Suddenly they were interrupted by Mabel walking in with Waddles in her arms. “Hey I heard some fighting, what's going on here?” she asked. “Oh yeah, Haruko and I were uh, just getting acquainted.” Dipper replied laughing nervously, then he turned to Haruko.
“Okay, this is my bed and this is Mabel's bed. You might wanna sleep on the floor.” He said as he got into his bed, only to find the Vespa woman spooning him much to his disgust. “Y'know what, I'm sleeping with Ford.”
“Ooh, a nerd sleepover.” Haruko said. “Maybe you can exchange math problems and write each others hypotheses.” Mabel giggled saying “This girl knows what's what.” Dipper could only groan as the two girls laughed.
Dipper found his great uncle Stanford in his room sleeping soundly, his boots and trenchcoat discarded. After suffering Bill Cipher's atrocities, traveling the multiverse and dealing with family trauma after finally returning home, he might've deserved one.
Dipper attempted to wake up the elderly scientist by poking his bulbous nose, but to no avail. “R....rhino, rhino feeder.” Ford blearily said as he awakened. He grabbed at something round and fluffy until he put on his glasses to find Dipper by his side. “Dipper?” he asked. “What are you doing here?” The lad looked down glumly and sat down by his side. “Haruko.” he answered. “Yeah she can be a thorn on people's sides,” Ford said. “But she's actually a nice girl. Why she and Mabel became gal pals while you were upstairs.”
“That's why I came here, because Haruko wanted to know about-” Dipper said before his senior interrupted him. “Your horn.”
“How do you know?” the boy asked. “Soos told me. He said you were looking for the tomb of Diamond Brandy when you met her.” the old man said. “Now come on, show me the horn.”
And so, Dipper reluctantly peeled off his bandage and showed his horn to to Ford. “Hm, this looks pretty familiar I'll say.” the genius said tapping at it, unintentionally hurting his great nephew. “Well, I think we should talk about it tomorrow. Goodnight Dipper.” Ford said as he closed his eyes. “Goodnight Grunkle Ford.” Dipper replied as he fell asleep in his arms. Unbeknownst to both of them, Dipper's bandage started blinking.
Hey guys, Mabel here. Boy was that crazy! I mean we went from finding where some dead guy was buried to my brother nearly dying himself.
Please don't talk about it Mabel, I've already had enough as is.
Anyway, see you next time for chapter 2 of Fooly Falls! And yes there will be fanservice! Whoops, wrong series.